Where to begin…..
I sit here gently at my computer 2 weeks after the birth of our baby Violet Emmeline Clarke.
It’s just past 6am, our sweet girl has been fed, changed and put back to sleep again with Matt snoozing along beside her.
I have taken this moment to throw on my robe, pour a cup of coffee and sit here to connect with you. After a few months off my laptop it feels truly delicious to carve out this time. And whilst I am in absolutely no rush to get back into work - I love what I do and in my work I feel beautiful space to express, release and be. Spending time in the Self space is essential for me in keeping a healthy and balanced mind and spirit.
Firstly a question -
How many feelings is it possible for a Mother to feel?
I feel like I have felt every single one!
The journey so far has been deep, complex, beautiful, messy and delicious. A true roller coaster. (My Mother says this feeling actually never ends so get comfy, she kindly suggests).
Violet was born in the evening, Monday 21st of March.
She was born a healthy 8 pounds after spending 42 weeks in hotel womb. (Such a great spot I believe, to have extended her stay for so long!)
The whole time she spent happily playing and growing within me I was expectant of a Pisces baby (as her guess date was bang in the middle of Pisces season). It seems however this was never to be the case as she made her entrance on the very first day of the zodiac - making her an Aries baby! With her sun in Aries, her moon in Scorpio and her rising also Scorpio - I suspect this little one will know exactly what she wants, and have some scrumptiously deep outlooks on life.
I know this as I am also a Scorpio moon! It is actually quite beautiful to know I have collected specific tools to support the moon side of myself, and I will be able to share these tools with her in navigating big emotions and being unafraid to love those deep parts of herself.
During TTC and pregnancy I mindfully lived a very low stress lifestyle. I spent a lot of time alone and intentionally with people that felt like home - very socially selective.
I placed all of my SELF soothing learns from the past 9 years into my pregnancy journey. I prayed, affirmed and connected within daily.
My heart was so ready for birth - ready to experience all that it had to offer. I was ready to open myself in a way that many women had done before me. I was ready to find my edges and break them over and over again.
My beautiful body however, had a different plan.
It did not open.
Cervix closed for business for the foreseeable future, so it seemed!
At 40 weeks I went to hospital as my eye sight started blurring.
Besides it being extremely frustrating - I felt great!
Many tests were done and all was well, the Doctors put it down to excess hormones and a placenta that was nearing its expiry date (common side affect if you travel beyond your guess date).
I made a promise to myself early on in regards to birth that I would not force anything. I would surrender the entire time - and so because of this fact, I wasn’t interested in induction. My body would open when the time was right, I concluded.
But when our guess date came and went, and my eyesight was gradually declining - I felt that I was actually resisting the process more so than allowing by not receiving an induction.
My body needed a little encouragement to open.
So on the 20th of March at almost 42 weeks, I checked into hotel hospital feeling so positive about what was to come.
There may come a time in future where I unpack the in’s and out’s of what unfolded within the next 24 hours proceeding walking into hospital - but for right now it will be a sacred space for me to digest, understand and honour for as long as is needed.
What I know in my heart to be 100% truth is that our sweet girl came beautiful and in perfect health, exactly as she was meant to: evening of the 21st March by emergency C-Section.
My beautiful body spent a few hours longer in theatre after her delivery, needing further support. And it was supported during surgery and in recovery - completely, by the incredible doctors and midwives of Port Macquarie Base Hospital.
I have read many stories about how public hospital births are not supportive of a Mother’s needs, and women often they feel like they do not have a voice. This was the opposite experience for me. Never in my life have I ever felt more heard, cared for and supported by the beautiful people that fill that hospital. I was educated, empowered and watched over during and after our time spent with them. Since coming home, the hospital has called to check in every other day - on both my physical and mental self. Midwives have visited our home to ensure Violet is well and thriving (she is, she feeds like a boss!). I feel incredibly grateful for medicine and how it can support us, and of course birthing our baby in a place that is safe and secure.
What I know to be true:
I received the birth I had imagined - served differently. I was ready to feel cracked open, and during the birth of our daughter, I have never in my life been more open. I experienced finding and losing sight of my edges over and over. It was the ultimate invitation of surrender - greater than anything I have ever experienced in my life.
And during this time, I knew both Violet and I, and Matt were protected fully. This was not an affirmation or a mantra I used to encourage myself to believe it - it was a knowing embedded within my being that this actually was perfect, exactly as it was happening, even if my mind didn’t quite believe it at the time. There was no other choice, but to surrender, completely. It was breath taking for every emotion possible was running through my veins.
There are so many things I wish to further say on birth, to offer perhaps a different perspective and hopefully support another's journey. I am mindful of how to serve this though as I feel this topic of conversation is so heavily polluted with so many opinions on which birth is ‘best’.
So whilst I collect my thoughts on the matter, let me at the very least offer you this - BIRTH is best. We do not get to pick how our bodies will choose to birth our babies. How ever your baby and body chooses to experience it - birth is best. We are incredible to be so vulnerable on so many levels during this process. There should not be a label that exists of natural birth or otherwise. Birth is birth. We should be damn proud of however our bodies bring our children into this world - I know I am. I am so proud, and so grateful for this beautiful body and all it has given me. A body of strength, courage and vulnerability. A body that is gently healing, all the while sustaining my baby as she grows. Magic.
And so the lessons forever continue, as I step into Motherhood with an open heart, mind and spirit.
Gazing into my daughters eyes I feel the same pang of emotion I feel when I look into Matt’s eyes. Our souls are linked, far beyond the present moment, cascading into lives lived in the past. I intuitively feel a great deal of respect and admiration for Violet. I feel her to be strong spirited, confident and full of pure joy every time our energies intertwine.
She is a part of my soul tribe, and I a part of her’s.
How lucky I am.
Miss Violet, I hope you read these words in time and know that you are loved so deeply my darling girl. Thank you for gifting me with the greatest gift of all - being your Mama.